"Sing a song about Valentines and pirates."

Today's title is brought to you by one of my Music Therapy students. I sang him "The Pirates Who Don't Do Anything". It was the first thing that came to mind. At least I met half the criteria. =)

Today is Valentines Day. And once again, I'm single.

But this is not a "woe is me, pity me, the single girl, on Valentines Day because no one loves me, blahblahblah."

Actually, this has been one year where Valentines Singleness hasn't bothered me at all. Call it getting older and wiser, but whatever. Actually, I think this year I can credit some very special people to my lack of self pity.

I spent this weekend in my favorite place on earth, Charleston, with my favorite people. The same people who made my birthday so memorable. Saturday I actually spent in a meeting and missed the first part of what ended up being a pretty fantastic day. I'm pretty sure had I been there for the whole day, by the time I did join up with everyone, I would have been so overwhelmed I would have cried. But that's not the point. While I was in said meeting, the guys had set up a scavenger hunt all over downtown with clues and candy for each of us girls. I was supposed to have one as well, but darn you meeting for robbing me of that. I came in when they were on the last clue and jumping in the car and then followed them to one of the guy's houses. After standing around talking for a few minutes, we're informed the day isn't over and to come inside. Where the other of our guys are inside making dinner and have set the table and are being completely amazing in general.

I know candy and dinner isn't exactly rocket science. But I wish there were more guys like these five in the world. They will do anything and go totally out of their way to do something for someone else. In a world where girls feel ignored and are made to feel like they have to compromise everything about themselves, here are five guys who did this just because they wanted to. They made six girls feel special and appreciated.

So, to these guys, thank you. Thank for you being who you are. For being above and beyond. Don't let that ever, ever change.

I don't know what the future holds. But I will count myself lucky if I am blessed enough to have a man in my life who is half the man these guys are.

When Enough is Enough

So, before anything else is said, I will say that this blog is not me trying to get a whole bunch of people to give me complements. It's not. I figure if I have these thoughts, someone else out there does, too. And it's always nice to know you're not alone.

55 pounds ago, it was easy to hide. It was easy to make excuses. I had 55 reasons to hide behind.

Well, now those 55 reasons are gone. Over the course of two years, I lost my excuses.

One of my deepest desires is to be desired- to be pursued, to be wanted. I want to fall in love- the deep, head-over-heels in love you never recover from.

55 pounds ago, I told myself that the reason I was single was because I was unattractive. I didn't like myself, why should anyone else? I looked in the mirror and didn't like the reflection. I didn't even like my own personality most of the time because I used sarcasm to keep people out and it worked. So I decided to change it.

So here I am, almost two years later and 55 pounds lighter. With every pound I lost, I lost an excuse. I've gone from a size 14 to a size 4. But you know what? The same insecurities plague me now that did when I was heavier. When I look in the mirror, I still see the imperfections.

Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever be happy with myself. If I'll ever stop trying to make myself what other people want me to be. If anyone will ever look at me with that kind of look that stops the world and makes me feel like I'm the only person in the room.

I hope so.

In the end, it's not really up to me, is it? God's got this. He's got my heart, He's got everything else. In all things, I pray that I find joy and satisfaction in where I am.

Ups and Downs

This weekend I had the most wonderful time in Charleston, the city in which my heart resides. I had quite forgotten how wonderful it is to be surrounded by people who love you and understand your quirks and love you for every bit of you.
It was also my birthday this weekend- 24! I'm getting old. It's weird to think back to when I was nine or ten and to remember all the things I thought I would have done by now- graduated college (yes), full time job (not quite), married (not even close). But I can't say I'm unhappy with where I am now. I could be happier, yes, but that has to do more with my physical location than anything else. Speaking of locations, this weekend brought to light just how little I have keeping me here. If I can find a full time job in Charleston... I'm pretty much already there.
Returning to my church in Charleston was so much like going home. I have missed the way Summit worships with pure joy and abandon. I wish I could afford the drive to be there every Sunday. But, at the same time, God reminds me that I am to find joy and satisfaction in Him regardless of my location or situation. So I press on toward the prize.
I have made it past the 55 lb mark. Hear that? FIFTY FIVE POUNDS. That's almost 1/4 of my body weight when I started this journey in May of 2010. As I get closer to my goal weight, I have to admit I'm kind of terrified. What if I can't maintain this? I refuse to go back to the way I was. I suppose that will be it's own journey that will come with it's own struggles.
Today I also hit another pretty impressive goal- I ran 6 miles today. On the elliptical, but it was set to hills on a level 6. A year ago, running more than a mile was daunting. Now a mile is a warm up. How far we have come in such a short time.

For my birthday, we went to see Beauty and the Beast in 3D. We dressed like Disney characters for the occasion. You now understand why I miss these people so much.

And my lovely beach. It was cold, but it welcomed me home with welcome arms. =)

ABC Gum and Ryan Reynolds

Well, we're one day away from another work week done. It has taken forever, and I didn't even work Monday!

Taught the 4 year old choir class last night. That was... an adventure. Man. Don't put high school kids in charge of 4 year olds. Just don't. It doesn't work well.

So, today, I was once again faced with one of my biggest frustrations. Now, as we go into this controversial section of the blog, let us remember, this is my opinion. Anywho, this frustration is with severely obese people not doing anything to help themselves. I'm not talking over weight, but so large you have to use a wheelchair (Does this confuse anyone else? You're too large to walk so instead of encouraging healthy habits like, I don't know, walking, we give you a chair to sit in. What?). I'm sympathetic to those with legitimate health problems that prevent mobility or that cause you to gain weight- thyroid issues, etc, but I do not sympathize with those who sit around on disability because they're too large to work and eat an incredibly poor diet. I know, I know, there are always two sides to every story, but as someone who has lost 50 lbs and has to work hard to maintain that weight, it frustrates me to no end to see people so unhealthy. It's not the weight, it's the poor health, I think, that frustrates me so. And yes, I have to remind myself everyday "food will not make you feel better!" whether that's looking to feel happier, or more complete, or more satisfied in life, or whatever. The Biggest Loser this season is themed around the phrase "No More Excuses". I like that. I like it a lot.

Gross moment of the day: Today there was a piece of ABC gum on a piece of paper just chillin' on the top of the copier. G.R.O.S.S. We finally deduced that, for whatever reason, someone had taken a number of papers out of the trash and had put them on the copier. Why? We don't know.

And we end the day with Ryan Reynolds in the cardio gym. Nothing like a good looking man to get me to run just that much faster. =)

Here we go again...

So, here we go. New year, new start, blah blah blah. Well, I did decide that I am going to actually try to write in this blog a little more often this year. But I think I'll go back to my bloggy roots and not try to put pressure on myself to try to turn into one of those trendy Music Therapy bloggers. So, to kick us off, the year in review...

Actually, let's just sum up.

In 2011, I finished my internship, graduated college, moved back home, and now work as a secretary.

Yep, that's pretty much the whole year.

Ha. I feel like such a Debbie Downer.

Today is January 1st. I got to sing In Christ Alone at church this morning, which is one of my favorite songs and always takes me back to when I was on choir tour in Prague. We had sung in the Czech speaking service at the Baptist Church in Prague and heard this song being sung from somewhere. We went to find the source of the music and found the English speaking service- the one we were originally going to sing in but couldn't for some reason. Well, we found out pretty fast it was due to a total lack of space in the English service- there wasn't an extra inch of space in that room. And yet, when we opened the door, they wanted us to stay, offering us their own seats. There were people from all over the world- not just Prague, but Asian countries and African countries.

We should take a chapter from their book- they were filled to the brim and yet so willing to forgo their comfort for a stranger.

Stuff My Dad Does

You may or may not have met my father. He's an interesting character. He does many things, many of which I don't understand and most of which drive me crazy. To keep from lashing out in frustration, I shall simply share with you a glimpse into my everyday life.

So, without further ado, the list of Things My Dad Does (which I don't understand)

1. Short shorts. O.o

2. Staring at nothing for hours on end.

3. Sitting next to the answering machine with that annoying little beep telling you there's a message and letting it beep instead of just pushing play.

4. Muting commercials. During every. single. commercial. break.

5. Fox News. All. the. time. Even in the morning! Who does that?!

6. Always coming in to the house and feeling the need to say my name at a really high pitch. It grates my nerves.

7. Eating one spoonful of whatever I made for dinner. I'm not Burger King, you cannot have it your way. 

8. Suddenly deciding foods you have always eaten and enjoyed are now unacceptable to be eaten. Don't care. Eat something else.

9. Insisting on taking out the trash before I come home on Wednesday. This would be fine if he checked the trash can in my bathroom. But no. I have to take out my trash, in the dark at 9:00 every week. 

10. You really wanted another mini van? Really? I'm glad you don't like the way new ones look. That's embarrassing.

11. Now that you're not coming home early on Thursday, you get home the same time the rest of us do. We still manage to make a real meal for dinner. Why is it that on your night to cook we have leftovers or frozen meals? And, on that note, why do you only eat those things when YOU cook them?!

12. Picking the stupid peanuts out of the stupid peanut butter with a butter knife. Why? Because peanuts aren't peanutty enough.What?

13. "Got any plans this weekend?" Uh, it's Saturday morning. It's a little late to be asking now.

14. The schedule's on the fridge. Don't act surprised when I leave to go somewhere.

15. Getting offended when I won't eat your high calorie, high fat meal. I'm not going to do it. And I've told you that. 

16. Corn and baked beans are not vegetables. They never have been, they never will be.

17. Using the phrases "man food" and "diet food" makes me want to never eat anything you cook. It also makes me want to hit something. 

18. Instead of putting the dishes away, stacking them all over the counter because you have yet to bother to learn where the dishes are.

19. Drinking nothing but knock off Diet Coke. All. Day.

20. Pastel striped shirts that remind me of the circus. I don't know who said those were acceptable to be worn by anyone, but they were wrong.

Hitting 50: A Bittersweet Victory

Tomorrow, I am going shopping. This has been a highly anticipated shopping trip for me and is now necessary as the fall weather settles in and winter is peering around the corner. So few of my clothes fit! And why is that, you ask? Well friends, I have reached the 50 pound mark in my Weight Loss Journey. Fifty! That's a kindergartner! When I started this journey back over a year ago, I honestly couldn't see myself where I am now. I was thinking I could maybe lose 15 or even 20 pounds. But here I sit. Fifty pounds lighter, several sizes smaller, much healthier.

I can remember the first time I ever stepped on an elliptical machine. I barely made it 15 minutes. On a level one. Now a quick work out is 3 miles on the elliptical. Today I was under 10 minutes for my first mile- level 5 on hills. I'm not trying to brag- I'm just amazed that what was once impossible is now the norm.

Funny thing about losing fifty pounds... I feel like I am still the same. On the inside, of course, but on the outside, too. My friends comment on how I'm "wasting away" and I never see it. I'm still in "big girl" land. I still hide behind my sense of humor and don't let people get to close. I was looking at pictures the other day, and yes, I do see a huge change in myself. I'm looking forward to the day that my brain registers the reflection in the mirror is really me!

Sadly, this victory of the scale comes on the heels of a great loss. When I was a senior in high school, my English teacher would mention every now and again that she was on Weight Watchers. I can remember her saying she liked it because she could eat half a dozen Krispy Kreme donuts if she wanted... she just might not be able to eat anything else all day! She was open and animated about her journey. I didn't think much about it. At the end of the year, at Senior Breakfast, I remember seeing her in the cafeteria. My friends and I noticed she was thinner. Not dramatically, but enough to comment to her about it.
I saw her maybe a year later and didn't even recognize her until I heard her voice. She had lost over 100 pounds.
Fast forward to May 2010. I had had enough of looking in the mirror and hating what looked back at me. I thought to myself "If it worked for Mrs. Long, it can work for me."
She was my inspiration. She was the reason I am sitting here today, fifty pounds lighter. And I never got to tell her that. 
She passed away this week. An allergic reaction. No one saw it coming.
One day in class, instead of doing work, she had us work on a contest she wanted to enter through WW. It was a short paragraph on why she deserved to win a cruise. She didn't know what to write, so she made us do it. She was just that kind of woman- no shame. Back then, I didn't know what to say. But if it were given to me today, I know what I'd write. She was an inspiration. She made it OK to be who you are at any time- even when that time is 11 o'clock, in your pajamas, buying cheap books from Wal-Mart because you can't sleep without reading first and you ran out of things to read. She wasn't ashamed of who she was, but she wanted to change that reflection in the mirror. And thanks to her, I found the courage, will power, motivation, and confidence to change my reflection, too. 

Enough sad. I know she's up there happy as can be. And probably saying something sarcastic about us all. With the AC turned way down. 

Then... April 2010 with Dr Luiken

Now-ish. I still don't like full length pictures to be taken of me. But I should be getting some from a friend soon-ish.  This was K's wedding in July... I'm down 5lbs since then. =) (Third from the left)