So, before anything else is said, I will say that this blog is not me trying to get a whole bunch of people to give me complements. It's not. I figure if I have these thoughts, someone else out there does, too. And it's always nice to know you're not alone.
55 pounds ago, it was easy to hide. It was easy to make excuses. I had 55 reasons to hide behind.
Well, now those 55 reasons are gone. Over the course of two years, I lost my excuses.
One of my deepest desires is to be desired- to be pursued, to be wanted. I want to fall in love- the deep, head-over-heels in love you never recover from.
55 pounds ago, I told myself that the reason I was single was because I was unattractive. I didn't like myself, why should anyone else? I looked in the mirror and didn't like the reflection. I didn't even like my own personality most of the time because I used sarcasm to keep people out and it worked. So I decided to change it.
So here I am, almost two years later and 55 pounds lighter. With every pound I lost, I lost an excuse. I've gone from a size 14 to a size 4. But you know what? The same insecurities plague me now that did when I was heavier. When I look in the mirror, I still see the imperfections.
Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever be happy with myself. If I'll ever stop trying to make myself what other people want me to be. If anyone will ever look at me with that kind of look that stops the world and makes me feel like I'm the only person in the room.
I hope so.
In the end, it's not really up to me, is it? God's got this. He's got my heart, He's got everything else. In all things, I pray that I find joy and satisfaction in where I am.
Sunday, January 22, 2012
Thursday, January 19, 2012
Ups and Downs
This weekend I had the most wonderful time in Charleston, the city in which my heart resides. I had quite forgotten how wonderful it is to be surrounded by people who love you and understand your quirks and love you for every bit of you.
It was also my birthday this weekend- 24! I'm getting old. It's weird to think back to when I was nine or ten and to remember all the things I thought I would have done by now- graduated college (yes), full time job (not quite), married (not even close). But I can't say I'm unhappy with where I am now. I could be happier, yes, but that has to do more with my physical location than anything else. Speaking of locations, this weekend brought to light just how little I have keeping me here. If I can find a full time job in Charleston... I'm pretty much already there.
Returning to my church in Charleston was so much like going home. I have missed the way Summit worships with pure joy and abandon. I wish I could afford the drive to be there every Sunday. But, at the same time, God reminds me that I am to find joy and satisfaction in Him regardless of my location or situation. So I press on toward the prize.
I have made it past the 55 lb mark. Hear that? FIFTY FIVE POUNDS. That's almost 1/4 of my body weight when I started this journey in May of 2010. As I get closer to my goal weight, I have to admit I'm kind of terrified. What if I can't maintain this? I refuse to go back to the way I was. I suppose that will be it's own journey that will come with it's own struggles.
Today I also hit another pretty impressive goal- I ran 6 miles today. On the elliptical, but it was set to hills on a level 6. A year ago, running more than a mile was daunting. Now a mile is a warm up. How far we have come in such a short time.
Thursday, January 5, 2012
ABC Gum and Ryan Reynolds
Well, we're one day away from another work week done. It has taken forever, and I didn't even work Monday!
Taught the 4 year old choir class last night. That was... an adventure. Man. Don't put high school kids in charge of 4 year olds. Just don't. It doesn't work well.
So, today, I was once again faced with one of my biggest frustrations. Now, as we go into this controversial section of the blog, let us remember, this is my opinion. Anywho, this frustration is with severely obese people not doing anything to help themselves. I'm not talking over weight, but so large you have to use a wheelchair (Does this confuse anyone else? You're too large to walk so instead of encouraging healthy habits like, I don't know, walking, we give you a chair to sit in. What?). I'm sympathetic to those with legitimate health problems that prevent mobility or that cause you to gain weight- thyroid issues, etc, but I do not sympathize with those who sit around on disability because they're too large to work and eat an incredibly poor diet. I know, I know, there are always two sides to every story, but as someone who has lost 50 lbs and has to work hard to maintain that weight, it frustrates me to no end to see people so unhealthy. It's not the weight, it's the poor health, I think, that frustrates me so. And yes, I have to remind myself everyday "food will not make you feel better!" whether that's looking to feel happier, or more complete, or more satisfied in life, or whatever. The Biggest Loser this season is themed around the phrase "No More Excuses". I like that. I like it a lot.
Gross moment of the day: Today there was a piece of ABC gum on a piece of paper just chillin' on the top of the copier. G.R.O.S.S. We finally deduced that, for whatever reason, someone had taken a number of papers out of the trash and had put them on the copier. Why? We don't know.
And we end the day with Ryan Reynolds in the cardio gym. Nothing like a good looking man to get me to run just that much faster. =)
Taught the 4 year old choir class last night. That was... an adventure. Man. Don't put high school kids in charge of 4 year olds. Just don't. It doesn't work well.
So, today, I was once again faced with one of my biggest frustrations. Now, as we go into this controversial section of the blog, let us remember, this is my opinion. Anywho, this frustration is with severely obese people not doing anything to help themselves. I'm not talking over weight, but so large you have to use a wheelchair (Does this confuse anyone else? You're too large to walk so instead of encouraging healthy habits like, I don't know, walking, we give you a chair to sit in. What?). I'm sympathetic to those with legitimate health problems that prevent mobility or that cause you to gain weight- thyroid issues, etc, but I do not sympathize with those who sit around on disability because they're too large to work and eat an incredibly poor diet. I know, I know, there are always two sides to every story, but as someone who has lost 50 lbs and has to work hard to maintain that weight, it frustrates me to no end to see people so unhealthy. It's not the weight, it's the poor health, I think, that frustrates me so. And yes, I have to remind myself everyday "food will not make you feel better!" whether that's looking to feel happier, or more complete, or more satisfied in life, or whatever. The Biggest Loser this season is themed around the phrase "No More Excuses". I like that. I like it a lot.
Gross moment of the day: Today there was a piece of ABC gum on a piece of paper just chillin' on the top of the copier. G.R.O.S.S. We finally deduced that, for whatever reason, someone had taken a number of papers out of the trash and had put them on the copier. Why? We don't know.
And we end the day with Ryan Reynolds in the cardio gym. Nothing like a good looking man to get me to run just that much faster. =)
Sunday, January 1, 2012
Here we go again...
So, here we go. New year, new start, blah blah blah. Well, I did decide that I am going to actually try to write in this blog a little more often this year. But I think I'll go back to my bloggy roots and not try to put pressure on myself to try to turn into one of those trendy Music Therapy bloggers. So, to kick us off, the year in review...
Actually, let's just sum up.
In 2011, I finished my internship, graduated college, moved back home, and now work as a secretary.
Yep, that's pretty much the whole year.
Ha. I feel like such a Debbie Downer.
Today is January 1st. I got to sing In Christ Alone at church this morning, which is one of my favorite songs and always takes me back to when I was on choir tour in Prague. We had sung in the Czech speaking service at the Baptist Church in Prague and heard this song being sung from somewhere. We went to find the source of the music and found the English speaking service- the one we were originally going to sing in but couldn't for some reason. Well, we found out pretty fast it was due to a total lack of space in the English service- there wasn't an extra inch of space in that room. And yet, when we opened the door, they wanted us to stay, offering us their own seats. There were people from all over the world- not just Prague, but Asian countries and African countries.
We should take a chapter from their book- they were filled to the brim and yet so willing to forgo their comfort for a stranger.
Actually, let's just sum up.
In 2011, I finished my internship, graduated college, moved back home, and now work as a secretary.
Yep, that's pretty much the whole year.
Ha. I feel like such a Debbie Downer.
Today is January 1st. I got to sing In Christ Alone at church this morning, which is one of my favorite songs and always takes me back to when I was on choir tour in Prague. We had sung in the Czech speaking service at the Baptist Church in Prague and heard this song being sung from somewhere. We went to find the source of the music and found the English speaking service- the one we were originally going to sing in but couldn't for some reason. Well, we found out pretty fast it was due to a total lack of space in the English service- there wasn't an extra inch of space in that room. And yet, when we opened the door, they wanted us to stay, offering us their own seats. There were people from all over the world- not just Prague, but Asian countries and African countries.
We should take a chapter from their book- they were filled to the brim and yet so willing to forgo their comfort for a stranger.
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