When Enough is Enough

So, before anything else is said, I will say that this blog is not me trying to get a whole bunch of people to give me complements. It's not. I figure if I have these thoughts, someone else out there does, too. And it's always nice to know you're not alone.

55 pounds ago, it was easy to hide. It was easy to make excuses. I had 55 reasons to hide behind.

Well, now those 55 reasons are gone. Over the course of two years, I lost my excuses.

One of my deepest desires is to be desired- to be pursued, to be wanted. I want to fall in love- the deep, head-over-heels in love you never recover from.

55 pounds ago, I told myself that the reason I was single was because I was unattractive. I didn't like myself, why should anyone else? I looked in the mirror and didn't like the reflection. I didn't even like my own personality most of the time because I used sarcasm to keep people out and it worked. So I decided to change it.

So here I am, almost two years later and 55 pounds lighter. With every pound I lost, I lost an excuse. I've gone from a size 14 to a size 4. But you know what? The same insecurities plague me now that did when I was heavier. When I look in the mirror, I still see the imperfections.

Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever be happy with myself. If I'll ever stop trying to make myself what other people want me to be. If anyone will ever look at me with that kind of look that stops the world and makes me feel like I'm the only person in the room.

I hope so.

In the end, it's not really up to me, is it? God's got this. He's got my heart, He's got everything else. In all things, I pray that I find joy and satisfaction in where I am.